On the Conflicting Relationship between Anxiety & being Christian...

Battling anxiety as a Christian is oscillating between trusting in God's will and overthinking to the point of paranoia.

It's:

  • Being perfectly fine with something you're told (or see) at first...but then...a thought later creeps in and you (over)think about it and are like, "wait a minute...CONSPIRACY!" Then the theories and assumptions steal your peace and joy for a bit, so you pray for them to return. And then when you get them back...
  • Rinse and repeat.
  • Rolling your eyes to your cerebellum every time another Christian recites Philippians 4:6-7 to you after you tell them you struggle with anxiety.
  • Not telling even your closest family and friends that you've had three panic attacks in one week (read: day), because you know they'll ask you if "you've prayed about it".
  • Mentally going back and forth, arguing with the Holy Spirit, concerning your suspicions about...everything.
  • Meeting each of His rational rebuttals with a defiant, "But!"
  • Being sick to your stomach when your intuition is proven right, hoping that you actually were wrong...but you know your spirit rarely ever is.
  • Using prayer, sermons, gospel/contemporary Christian music to drown out your anxious thoughts...just to hear them screaming over it.
  • Tiring your brain out from overthinking to the point of exhaustion, but still being unable to let your thoughts go, so they slip into your dreams.
  • Waking up and battling to have your first thought be prayer and not everything you fell asleep stressing.
  • Doubting if you're really capable to do something, declaring Philippians 4:13...and still having the same doubts linger.
  • Shooting up the quickest prayer before every meeting with your boss.
  • Staring at your phone and praying under your breath after receiving an ominous text, or an unexpected call from someone you haven't spoken to in a while.
  • Silently crying over suppressed stress when you're in public while praying that God gives you a believable excuse to give people if...when they ask why your eyes are red.
  • Praying for the current wave of anxiety to pass while stressing about where you'll be when the next wave hits.
  • Reminding yourself that God's plans are better than your own, but still hoarding planners, agendas, to-do lists to monitor your days.
  • Not committing to anything because you don't want to be disappointed if it's not "God's will".
  • Comparing your reality to your vision board and trying to not feel like God doesn't hear or answer your prayers/heart's desires.
  • Being overwhelmed by everything and everyone around you, so you smile when they ask what's wrong and say a chipper, "Nothing! God is faithful!"
  • Going to church by yourself, speaking to no one, and quietly leaving at the end.
  • Trying not to feel condemned about having anxiety, but still asking God to forgive you anyway.
  • Kneeling at the alter to pray, but only tears come out because your brain can't settle on one thing.
  • Reading through your prayer journal and realizing you've been anxious for longer than you thought.
  • Going to church with your heart and mind heavy as a ton...being fully engaged in the entire worship experience...and still walking out with your heart and mind feeling like they're being pressed by bricks.
  • Constantly zoning out during prayers because a steady stream of old/new stressful/panicky thoughts keep coming to mind.
  • Squeezing at the tightness in your chest as you ask God to make the panic attack stop.
  • Wishing the current year away so that you can begin again, because He makes all things new.
  • Worrying that other Christians are going to read this post and dismiss me for not having "enough" faith or "praying enough".